hbfs

Things to do for personal improvement:
1. Get learning disorder diagnosed (Not a big deal, but I think it might be helpful to learn a few more ways to compensate for it. Also, because it might help my developmental biology professor learn how to help me. I definitely have a visual memory disorder as well as a difficult time judging spatial relationships. However, it's gone on for a very long time because I don't exhibit classic symptoms because I naturally compensate for them because I am gifted at learning patterns. I don't have problems remembering telephone numbers because I can remember how the numbers sound in the pattern. I can't visualize a keyboard. It would take me a really long time to label a blank keyboard with all the proper letters, but I could use one just fine because kinesthetically I know what to do. On the other hand, I could label a blank map of the US really quickly because I remember relationships very well. Vermont is the only state in New England that is landlocked. Washington, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, and Minnesota all touch Canada. BUT if you gave me the states as cut outs, it would take me a long time to put them together as a puzzle. Interestingly, I have a fine time learning foreign languages because I remember patterns well so I could always conjugate the verbs. I just had a hard time acquiring the vocabulary.)
2. Deal with the self-loathing I have over being a "bad person."

Someday I will be free enough to write honestly in a journal about something more than running and eating.

Some days, being a captain is awesome. You have an influence on others far beyond what you can measure. You inspire and motivate them (in my case quietly, because I would rather show people what to do than tell them). You help them figure out their schedules. You give them rides to the mall. You tell them what to do when the boy they like is too immature to call.

Some days, being a captain is one of the hardest jobs in the whole world. Some days, it's not good news you're sharing. Some days, it's pretty damn bad news. Today, a young woman on my team asked me how to tell the team that her mom has cancer. Last year, the mother of a young woman on my team died of cancer.

Sometimes, we forget that the sport is more than just a quest for personal betterment that we share with a select number of our peers. In between all the miles, all the hills, all the mud, all the laughter, all the stories, all of the ice baths... at the end of the day when we're sweaty, dirty, and exhausted... cross-country makes us all sisters.

Happy Halloween, Gettysburg!

In 3.5 hours, I will toe the line for my rematch. The course is muddy, but I'm strong and I have nothing to lose. This is the best I've ever slept on an overnight.

Last year, I had kilometer splits written on my hand. This year, I have written:

HEART
CONFIDENCE
MATURITY
LOVE IT
IT'S MINE

It's on.

...this totally made me cry.

'The right thing to do'

As some of you might know, we have family friends with an adult child (a year older than me - 22) with muscular dystrophy. Joe is a great kid who just loves baseball, and his parents have done everything they can to encourage his love of the game. It really makes me feel great that this kid got to have his sports dream come true, too. Nicely done, Mr. Jarema.

Preface: This post is silly. I think all of the peanut butter has made me (wait for it... ready?) nutty (groan)!
Also, bonus points if you can tell what type of ridiculous face I'm making in the ten grain bread photo, because it's my trademark party trick and I'm mad proud of it.

I finally figured out why I don't like natural peanut butter.
It's the texture. Natural PB is gooey. It drips on things, like the butter knife I try to use to spread it. And some weird people buy it unsalted, which is ridiculous. Peanut butter should be salty. Peanuts should be salty. Always. Forever. What's even weirder is that some people buy peanut butter with two ingredients: peanuts, and another kind of oil. Um, PEANUTS have oil. Why not let your second ingredient be salt?

Enter Trader Joe's Creamy Salty Peanut Butter.

It's still gooey, but man, oh man, this stuff is delicious. It's delicious on everything. It's delicious on apples. It's delicious on cat cookies. It's delicious with blackberry preserves and on ten grain bread. I have been living off of this shit. I keep looking around for new things to put it on (thank you, 12 mile long run!). Easy Mac? Popcorn? Chocolate chip Pop Tarts?

Actually, the Pop Tarts might be delicious....

Yesterday, we repeated last Tuesday's 6 x 1000 workout on the grass loop. Dan dispensed the same paces and rest, despite indicating earlier that he was going to cut the rest and have me run a couple of seconds faster. I had nailed the workout when it was at 4:07 on three minutes of jogging rest, and I had been sick that day. I was mentally prepared to run faster and on less rest, so I was a little disappointed.

However, after watching me warm up, Dan told me I could run a little faster today, "like 4:02," and maybe cut the rest as well. Usually my first thousand on the Polo Field is slow because I come in through the first 200 too slow. Not yesterday. I was right on from the very first step yesterday. I ran 4:01 and took three minutes. Second one was 4:02, and Dan told me to start taking 2:45 instead of 3. The third time, it was a lot tougher to run 4:02. I had to work harder, it didn't come as naturally as the first two. The fourth was 4:03, fifth 4:02, and sixth 4:01.

5 seconds faster per repeat and on less rest than last week... that's pretty solid. We're still really happy with the way things are developing. On Tuesday, I did a 20 minute not-quite-tempo run - Dan was very insistent that we keep the effort easier - and I split the trail in 16:07, which was my usual all-out tempo pace last year. Aside from where I almost died on a root avoiding the Great Dane (got the adrenaline pumping for a minute), the effort was moderate. I was running a clear notch below tempo, and I know it because I was one step below tempo effort my personal perceived effort scale. So that was really, really encouraging. 7:00 flat isn't tempo pace, it's a whole effort level below tempo pace. Makes sense, MP is 7:15 and that's the next notch down.

I'm going to try to run my leg of the BMR tomorrow at MP effort. Maybe push the envelope and run at tempo pace for the last 2 or 3 miles, but until then... controlled. Purposeful.

Three things:

1. Last night, I beat Mark in a test of wills. Despite his best attempts to distract me, I beat him at a staring contest.

2. This afternoon I beasted out some behavioral endocrinology. *\o/*

3. Two hours later, I benched 96 lbs. 16 to go!

Bad races are inevitable. Especially when you race as often as I do.

I haven't had a bad race since the Valentine's Day indoor 5k - arguably longer, because I ran well given the circumstances (crowded track, couldn't hear my lap counters, wasting time trying to pass two stupid girls from a rival school).

Today was bad.

It started last night, when I got to bed at 12 (half an hour later than planned) and woken up by a 1.5 hour phone call at 1:30. It got worse at 7:30, when I woke up ravenously hungry. I ate a fruit snack... and was not hungry at all when I got up for real at 8:30. I forced down a quarter of a bagel and cream cheese at 8:30, taking another half of a bagel with me, which I ate at 10. It clearly was not enough calories.

I've had a long week of training, all of which I executed very well. On Tuesday, we did 6 x 1000m on the grass loop with 3 minutes jogging recovery. My goal was 4:07, and I ran 4:11, 4:05, 4:07, 4:07, 4:07, 4:07. The splits on the last four varied from 4:06.58 (the sixth) to 4:07.05 (the fourth). I was perfect. On Thursday, I did another hour tempo run with a kind of wide open goal of 7:15-7:30. I ran with my assistant coach, who kept me on a honest pace of ~7:18 out and ~7:12 back (7:13.7 pace average). It was probably a hair faster than I'd have run on my own, and I was sore on Friday.

On Friday, Dan sent me a text asking me to meet with him about the race. He asked me to run with my teammate T for the first two miles, and made some weird comments about T and I's "rivalry."  He told me that T and I are essentially the same, in that we both want the team to do well, and we both want to be the first individual finisher. He's wrong there (I don't want to be first, in fact, I think I'm undeserving. I do, however, want to be the fastest version of myself possible, and if that is the first person on the team this year, then I'll deal with it), and I'm going to have to explain that to him at our individual meeting this upcoming week. ANYWAY. So he told me to run with T for the first two miles, hitting the first in 6:45 and maintaining momentum throughout the challenging second mile. And I told him okay. I would GLADLY run my races with T. I don't have any kind of complex, except for my blatant refusal to screw up and go out too fast, which is what T did at our last race. It's hard to run with someone the first mile when she beats you there by 10 seconds (and then melts down and finishes a minute behind you).

So before the race, T and I did our usual awkward exchange of race tactics. I told her to trust me that I'd take us through the mile in 6:45 based on feel. And the first mile of the race was great. We hit it at exactly 6:45 (but T dropped off my pace then. There was no second mile of teamwork. She was just gone). I'm awesome. I'm a pace monster. Shortly after the mile, the course takes you up a monster hill. Apparently, girls were giving up and walking up the hill. I passed a few girls going up, but my legs totally seized up. I was hurting. When the downhill finally arrived, I focused on taking quick, small steps, and I managed to pass a few more girls. And then I had my meltdown.

I'm used to feeling good in my races. We are running on a lot of easy courses this year, and I missed our most challenging race to date for the wedding in Boston. And since I'm not used to struggling, I checked out. Mental vacation. I gave up on myself and went into survival mode. I wasn't getting passed, but I was stuck in the same place - which does not happen to me when I race. I get out conservatively enough before turning on the heat that I should ALWAYS be passing people.

After a half mile of this mental pity party, I snapped out of it. I realized I had about 15-20 seconds on T and L, and that L was having a great day if she had caught T. I told myself that if I was to be this team's front runner, I had better get my act together and start running well. I forced myself to relax my form, to focus, and to try to stay with the pack I was with. I never caught them, but as we came out of the woods, I started to participate more actively in my race. Dan yelled at me at that point, "You're special." I have no idea what that means exactly, but I took it to mean that I've been having an exceptional season and that I can do something special this year. <3 So I ran hard up the gradual uphill, maintained on the plateau, and checked my watch. 18:30. I knew I had another 3 minutes of suffering left... so I started rigging. Down the baseball fields, around the corner - now where was the finish line? A lot farther away than I'd have liked. I passed a girl in a blue and yellow singlet, but she passed me back. Whatever. I kept kicking, hitting the line in 21:58.

The course is long and slow, and the conditions were less than ideal. Dan said that we'd probably run 2 minutes slower than the time trial... and I ran 2:03. I finished 24 seconds out of 10th place (13th officially), which would have won me a trophy. Makes me wonder what would have happened if I hadn't checked out... I only had to pass the three girls in the back I was in...

But it's useless to think about these kinds of things.

I think I've been overdue for a bad race. The fact that I ran poorly and still finished first for the team says a lot about my current fitness. And the fact that I pulled my head out of my ass shows that I have some wisdom. Not every race is going to be easy. I'm going to have to dig deep. I'm going to have to find a way to get the job done. So in a way, I owe a little bit of gratitude to this race, for chewing me up and spitting me out.

Today's workout falls into the category of things I seriously freaking love to do, the kind of work that makes me feel productive and fast and focused and strong. I'm my happiest between lactate threshold and tempo pace. Long repeats, little rest, and a huge mental game. Today we did two by tempo trail, the first trail being "faster than you usually run, should feel crisp" and the second being a true tempo. I love it- getting into a faster but controlled rhythm and then dropping the hammer on tired legs.

Last year, my trail PR was 16:01. I run it in the 16:10-16:15 range pretty regularly, and that's the kind of shape I thought I was in right now. Yeah... that didn't happen. I took off solo, with Dan calling after me to keep it in my pants ("it's staying in my pants!" was my reply), but our new assistant coach Bess caught up to me and we chatted for the first loop. I knew we were running fast but I was a little surprised to see 17:15 (7:40 pace) on my watch. And I was completely floored to see 15:38 (6:55 pace) when we finished the second. I knew I was running fast, but I didn't feel like I was running tempo pace. I thought I was a hair slow. Maybe I was a hair fast and feeling the fatigue... I dunno, but Bess and I were rolling, and it truly didn't feel that hard. We were still carrying on a bit of a conversation...

Dan called me after dinner to talk about it a little. He said that I ran a great 3k on Saturday morning and that my workout on Tuesday (5x 3 min on, 3 min off, on an uphill loop with three hairpin turns - to simulate this weekend's course) were very  similar. He described the way I ran as with a kind of "urgency." I'm not sure that's the word I would use to describe it. I'm going to think on it. I know that the way I ran both of those days felt very similar, and I think I can lump today in with that one... but urgency isn't a word I like to use to describe my running. I feel like it's describing the fact that my time in this uniform is running out - and while this is true, I haven't drawn on that  for motivation. It makes me feel bad, and it feels like a cop out... I'll pass on that.

Lists are good, and I make lists very well.

TO DO:
-read for Food Revolutions
-print next week's reading for Food Revolutions
-Rite Aid trip
-cash check!
-pay parking ticket with cash from check
-buy stamp
-leave Sweda's birthday card
-go to the ATM
NOT TO DO:
-have an anxiety attack
TO DO INSTEAD:
-talk to Ciara or Anna. you have friends who are peer mentors, let them mentor you.

THINGS TO PACK:
FOR RUNNING AND RACING:
-shorts, sports bras, shirts, socks, towel
-Wave Riders
-road racing flats? Decide if you want to run in these!
-FOAM ROLLER
-dri fit. you might get cold
-fast socks

FOR LOOKING PRETTY:
-the dress
-bra, underwear, hose
-the shoes
-the bag
-all of your toiletries. all. you never know what kind of an emergency you might find yourself in
-band-aids ARE a toiletry, pack them
-hair dryer
-hair straightener
-jewels
-clear nail polish
-make up

FOR NORMAL DAYS:
-another nice outfit
-normal clothes (nice looking)
-pjs
MISC:
-phone charger
-camera
-snacks
-Mark's neglected stuff

The last two weeks of training have been great. I'm speaking a little early on this week's behalf, but tomorrow's long run could push me up as high as 45 miles (I ran 42 last week). I was very happy with my performance at the time trial, I had a solid 1000s workout last Saturday, I did some strong hill work on Tuesday, I did an hour of tempo on Thursday, and this morning I won the handicapped 3k time trial my team ran. Not only did I cross the finish line first, I ran the fastest overall time, too. Most notably, I was 59 seconds faster than last year. Today's soggy grass 12:14 is only 36 seconds off of my track PR.

The related adjustment period has made its presence known, too. I'm starting to show signs of wear: my feet are grotesque, ALL of my leg muscles are sore, and my laundry is piling up faster than I can possibly do it.
I'm ahead of last year on all fronts: strength, mileage, discipline, mental focus. It's not something I take for granted. Dan and I have begun to talk about the rest of the year. Since I want to run my 10k in May in 40, we've already figured out that this means my pace for my hour tempo in the spring will have to be 7:02. Right now, it's about 7:26. If I can run a 24:xx 6k on the grass, then I'll already be up to goal 10k pace for a 6k race, and it'll only be mid-November...

There's going to be a lot here, so I apologize in advance. But there are pictures!

Preseason kicked off on Tuesday the 18th. It was really hot on move in day, and we got off to a rocky start with me throwing up in the hotel bathroom (probably from dehydration from driving out by myself on Monday). I knew right off the bat that we had a really solid group - 7 freshmen, a new junior, and one of my classmates had returned from a year abroad. We returned 5 of last year's top 7, too :)

We got to work right away - lots of lifting, lots of time in the pool, and a fair bit of running, too :P Workouts that stand out in my memory include a 10 mile long run in the mid-8:30s, 60 second pick-ups at the state park, and a good tempo run on the roads. Team-related, we added a third captain as M won by a landslide in popular vote (not surprising - A and I knew that she was going to be named the third captain in June when Dan wrote to us and told us that we would probably vote on a third).


On Tuesday, I went and saw my podiatrist again. We don't want to interrupt my training by mailing my orthotics back to the lab, so we're going to wait until the season ends in November. Until then, he patched my right orthotic up with two thick pieces of felt, effectively tilting my device out another 2 degrees. I asked about my stress fracture scares in the other shoe, and he said that the orthotic didn't need adjusting... and that I should switch back to Mizunos (I had walked in wearing November's Wave Inspires). He goes, "Normally, I would NEVER make a shoe recommendation. It's not my place, it's not my area of expertise. But structurally, your feet are JUST LIKE mine. You might want to try the Wave Rider." Afterwards, I told that story to Dan, and he goes, "That's funny. I've seen Ira's feet, and they ARE just like yours."

A few hours later, we had our time trial. I ran 20:59 for three miles, which is almost 20 seconds faster than my best opener - after the summer I ran 550 miles. Apparently, strength training 3x/wk and busting your ass cross-training (with a great fitness base from 10k training in the spring) is better than overtraining.... The best part about the time trial was how INTELLIGENTLY I ran the race. As planned, I was running with a pack for the first mile (K, our fast freshman, and T, the senior who is back from abroad), and (also as planned) I was doing the pace work. And I nailed it. 1:44 through 440 yds, 3:30 through 880, and 6:54 at one mile. I held on for a 7:05 second mile and a 7:00 close, allowing me to narrowly squeak in. I made great tactical decisions about when to move up. I looked ahead at other packs and judged the distance between us perfectly. The move I called by the track was awesome. I told K to "go get with the girls in gray" - the pack in FRONT of the pack in front of us. I knew that when we got to the mile, we'd be moving right through them, and it would give us a strong start to the second mile. I called it just right! I was also really happy that I passed two girls who run for the host school the third time we went up the hill. I was like, "Yeah, that's right! Here I am, passing you on the uphill on your home course!" Really, I was just THRILLED with the whole day.

Today we did repeat thousands on the polo fields. Last year, I did this 5 @ 4:35 (actual: 4:38, 4:34, 4:33, 4:34, 4:32) with 0:45 rest. This year, I did 6 @ 4:30 (actual: 4:29, 4:29, 4:32, 4:29, 4:27, 4:28) on the same rest interval. Times were more conservative across the board this year. When I questioned Dan, he said, "It's morning. It'll be tough today." And it was. Physically, I was feeling the repercussions of the hilly route I chose for my run yesterday. But I had no problem finding the right gear for the repeats, and although it was hot, I was able to keep drinking and have a really solid run. And my favorite assistant came today :)

This afternoon was also full of running-related goodness. I called the shoe store and asked if the owner was in. My adidas aren't done yet, but ever since my appointment with Ira, I had been thinking about switching back to Mizuno and inquiring about the Wave Rider. I now insist on being fit for shoes by the owner of the local running store, because he is awesome and knows his shit, and his sales associates do NOT. Bob, the owner, remembered me from November and asked if I was still having injury problems. I told him that I had wound up getting custom orthotics and that I'd like to get back into Mizunos, and he said he wanted to get me into a more neutral shoe so I wouldn't be overcorrecting. I mentioned the Wave Rider, and he was like, "YES, EXACTLY," and he goes back and brings out five boxes of shoes. He hands me the Wave Riders, and it was love at first sight.

Last summer, when I was coming back from my stress fracture, I had a breakthrough tempo run that gave me a huge confidence boost for the upcoming season. Today, I had another one of those.

I went out to the track, so the course I was running on would be honest and comparable to the past. I had great weather (59% humidity, compared to the 98% humidity I ran in on Saturday, the last time I tried to go kind of fast!) and my stomach was really well settled. I was feeling kind of sore from doing the CrossFit WOD "Tabata Something Else" yesterday, but I biked this morning and figured I would loosen up quickly enough. I warmed up half a mile and lined up at the fence, as I did hundreds of times in high school and a couple dozen of times since then.

This year's breakthrough tempo was different from last year's in a few regards. Last year, I had company, but today, I was solo. Last year was hotter, while today was a lot more pleasant. Last year, I didn't see three police cars at a residence on the way back... that was a little distracting. Last year, I ran a slight positive split (7:24, 7:29, 7:30). This year, I ran a solid negative split (7:20, 7:19, 7:02). Last year's run... I remember the second half really vividly. While I was definitely running tempo effort, I was relying on my strength a LOT to get me home. Tonight, I just felt under control. I knew that the second mile was going to be 7:20. When I got to the turn around and checked my watch (3:40), it was exactly what I expected to see. I knew the third mile was going to be my fastest, but I didn't know by how much. I just knew that I was keeping my form, my cadence was up, and that I was strong and solid.

I'm beyond thrilled. 42 seconds faster than last year! This is REALLY ENCOURAGING! Some of this is because I'm stronger. Some of this is because I'm smarter. But I think that some of this has to be the result of the 10k training I did this spring... I only ran 21:47 in the first time trial last year, so I should be (weather favoring) ahead of that marker.

Sometimes, I wish I could bottle up runs like this so I can savor them again later. It's why I journal my good workouts - so that when the going gets tough (Denton called it "breaking down"), when my coach makes me man up and get on the regular 6-day running schedule and I'm just feeling cooked, I can go back to these memorable runs and piece my broken psyche back together.


In other running and team-related... preseason starts on Tuesday! I've done a lot of captaining the last two days, which I will continue to do until.... the season ends in November. People are getting excited, and I'm getting excited about some of the stuff I'm talking about with my co-captain and coach. Yay cross-country!

Social Obligations:
-bake Sarah an early birthday cake
-visit Allison in Ann Arbor
-visit Lauren in Columbus

Car Related: 
-clean it
-get tires rotated
-get oiled changed
-learn to use Garmin

Packing Related:
-obtain 1-2 of those 20 gallon plastic boxes
-fill boxes with all of my worldly possessions
-make a decision re: the plastic dresser in the closet

Things To Buy:
-Dunham's: new Camelbak water bottle (mine got lost. This will be my third Camelbak), running socks, any bargains (note to self: do not buy another one piece swimsuit just because it's $20. You have FOUR!)
-nail clippers, compact mirror, eyeliner pencil sharpener, laundry detergent, fabric softener, ibuprofen, Nyquil, Dayquil
-valiant attempt to try to find jeans (surrendered!)
-possibly (long-term investment) blender

Yesterday, I did that CrossFit workout where you keep a running time and do one pull-up the first minute, two the second, three the third, and so forth until you can't do it anymore. I did ten the tenth minute (sets of 2-2-2-2-1-1, a marked decline from my 3-3-3 ninth minute) and only finished with 3 seconds there, so I didn't attempt the eleventh minute. I should have. I'm kind of a pansy that way. But the 55 pull-ups I did were hard and I'm still totally baller :)  Needless to say, my WHOLE BODY hurts (arms, shoulders, back, abs, chest, and legs. Legs? Yeah, legs. I did 200 squats on Friday, as I found myself doing a CrossFit WOD as prescribed on its intended day). Ow :(

I've been trying to be a better cycling fan. I always thought I'd appreciate the Tour de France more if I was more knowledgeable about the sport, but I'm not so sure. Having a track background certainly allows me to appreciate a tactical finish, as in today's stage. I related perfectly to the commentator's statements as to how the four breakaway riders had to be comfortable riding from any position within their pack - leading or sitting in last - and to anticipate for attempts to breakaway from the breakaway (or to use a track term I'm much more comfortable with, surging). It reminded me a lot of a tactical finish to a longer track race, like a 10,000. Cool stuff :)

I got into my HS livejournal today. I had wanted to see what I had written about the dissolution of a toxic friendship. Apparently, nothing - I was too busy justifying to the whole world that I didn't treat my boyfriend badly. Which was totally a lie because I hated dating him! I also discovered how miserable the first six months of my 17th year were, more than one hilariously bad prediction... and that in a couple of ways, I fulfilled Little Jess's hopes. At one point, I said that I want to memorize the Eleanor Roosevelt quote on my binder from running camp. Rest assured, Little Jess, I did:

Ugh. Okay. Apologies for the lack of LJ cut. It is NOT cooperating with me. Ugly things keep happening in HTML mode :(

Monday, I launched my official return to running. After battling an array of maladies over the last six weeks, strengthening exercises and a clever orthotics adjustment have set the stage for a triumphant return to training. To symbolize this brand new start, I drove out to the place where I ran my very first miles as a shy sixth grader who had reached the ceiling of her potential in gymnastics.

Sometimes Jess talks about these things at great length.

I eat steak, and I eat ice cream, and I eat a ton of bread, and I eat peanut butter, and I eat cereal (often with my peanut butter, because I enjoy how the thickness of the peanut butter contrasts with the smooth coldness of the milk), and I eat spinach (but I can't stand it cooked- it's slimy), and I eat pears, and I eat tofu, and I eat cheeseburgers (cooked medium-rare with American cheese, ketchup, mustard, a thick slice of onion, and pickles - but please hold the tomato). ( I do not eat... )

I run. ( I run because it was the sport I picked up and fell in love with when I was eleven. )

So… that’s it. That’s what I’ve got. Over two pages in word, single spaced, Times New Roman size 10. TL;DR: I like the way I look. I wish more people felt that way about their bodies.