hbfs

hbfs @ 2009-11-11T00:57:00

2009-11-11T05:57:16Z

Things to do for personal improvement:
1. Get learning disorder diagnosed (Not a big deal, but I think it might be helpful to learn a few more ways to compensate for it. Also, because it might help my developmental biology professor learn how to help me. I definitely have a visual memory disorder as well as a difficult time judging spatial relationships. However, it's gone on for a very long time because I don't exhibit classic symptoms because I naturally compensate for them because I am gifted at learning patterns. I don't have problems remembering telephone numbers because I can remember how the numbers sound in the pattern. I can't visualize a keyboard. It would take me a really long time to label a blank keyboard with all the proper letters, but I could use one just fine because kinesthetically I know what to do. On the other hand, I could label a blank map of the US really quickly because I remember relationships very well. Vermont is the only state in New England that is landlocked. Washington, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, and Minnesota all touch Canada. BUT if you gave me the states as cut outs, it would take me a long time to put them together as a puzzle. Interestingly, I have a fine time learning foreign languages because I remember patterns well so I could always conjugate the verbs. I just had a hard time acquiring the vocabulary.)
2. Deal with the self-loathing I have over being a "bad person."

Someday I will be free enough to write honestly in a journal about something more than running and eating.

Sisters

2009-11-05T04:12:19Z

Some days, being a captain is awesome. You have an influence on others far beyond what you can measure. You inspire and motivate them (in my case quietly, because I would rather show people what to do than tell them). You help them figure out their schedules. You give them rides to the mall. You tell them what to do when the boy they like is too immature to call.

Some days, being a captain is one of the hardest jobs in the whole world. Some days, it's not good news you're sharing. Some days, it's pretty damn bad news. Today, a young woman on my team asked me how to tell the team that her mom has cancer. Last year, the mother of a young woman on my team died of cancer.

Sometimes, we forget that the sport is more than just a quest for personal betterment that we share with a select number of our peers. In between all the miles, all the hills, all the mud, all the laughter, all the stories, all of the ice baths... at the end of the day when we're sweaty, dirty, and exhausted... cross-country makes us all sisters.

This is it

2009-10-31T11:51:33Z

Happy Halloween, Gettysburg!

In 3.5 hours, I will toe the line for my rematch. The course is muddy, but I'm strong and I have nothing to lose. This is the best I've ever slept on an overnight.

Last year, I had kilometer splits written on my hand. This year, I have written:

HEART
CONFIDENCE
MATURITY
LOVE IT
IT'S MINE

It's on.

I'm such a softie

2009-10-29T06:37:02Z

...this totally made me cry.

'The right thing to do'

As some of you might know, we have family friends with an adult child (a year older than me - 22) with muscular dystrophy. Joe is a great kid who just loves baseball, and his parents have done everything they can to encourage his love of the game. It really makes me feel great that this kid got to have his sports dream come true, too. Nicely done, Mr. Jarema.

An ode to peanut butter

2009-10-13T04:03:33Z

Preface: This post is silly. I think all of the peanut butter has made me (wait for it... ready?) nutty (groan)!
Also, bonus points if you can tell what type of ridiculous face I'm making in the ten grain bread photo, because it's my trademark party trick and I'm mad proud of it.

I finally figured out why I don't like natural peanut butter.
It's the texture. Natural PB is gooey. It drips on things, like the butter knife I try to use to spread it. And some weird people buy it unsalted, which is ridiculous. Peanut butter should be salty. Peanuts should be salty. Always. Forever. What's even weirder is that some people buy peanut butter with two ingredients: peanuts, and another kind of oil. Um, PEANUTS have oil. Why not let your second ingredient be salt?

Enter Trader Joe's Creamy Salty Peanut Butter.

It's still gooey, but man, oh man, this stuff is delicious. It's delicious on everything. It's delicious on apples. It's delicious on cat cookies. It's delicious with blackberry preserves and on ten grain bread. I have been living off of this shit. I keep looking around for new things to put it on (thank you, 12 mile long run!). Easy Mac? Popcorn? Chocolate chip Pop Tarts?

Actually, the Pop Tarts might be delicious....

Pretty solid

2009-10-09T16:52:05Z

Yesterday, we repeated last Tuesday's 6 x 1000 workout on the grass loop. Dan dispensed the same paces and rest, despite indicating earlier that he was going to cut the rest and have me run a couple of seconds faster. I had nailed the workout when it was at 4:07 on three minutes of jogging rest, and I had been sick that day. I was mentally prepared to run faster and on less rest, so I was a little disappointed.

However, after watching me warm up, Dan told me I could run a little faster today, "like 4:02," and maybe cut the rest as well. Usually my first thousand on the Polo Field is slow because I come in through the first 200 too slow. Not yesterday. I was right on from the very first step yesterday. I ran 4:01 and took three minutes. Second one was 4:02, and Dan told me to start taking 2:45 instead of 3. The third time, it was a lot tougher to run 4:02. I had to work harder, it didn't come as naturally as the first two. The fourth was 4:03, fifth 4:02, and sixth 4:01.

5 seconds faster per repeat and on less rest than last week... that's pretty solid. We're still really happy with the way things are developing. On Tuesday, I did a 20 minute not-quite-tempo run - Dan was very insistent that we keep the effort easier - and I split the trail in 16:07, which was my usual all-out tempo pace last year. Aside from where I almost died on a root avoiding the Great Dane (got the adrenaline pumping for a minute), the effort was moderate. I was running a clear notch below tempo, and I know it because I was one step below tempo effort my personal perceived effort scale. So that was really, really encouraging. 7:00 flat isn't tempo pace, it's a whole effort level below tempo pace. Makes sense, MP is 7:15 and that's the next notch down.

I'm going to try to run my leg of the BMR tomorrow at MP effort. Maybe push the envelope and run at tempo pace for the last 2 or 3 miles, but until then... controlled. Purposeful.

Accomplishments

2009-10-05T22:32:33Z

Three things:

1. Last night, I beat Mark in a test of wills. Despite his best attempts to distract me, I beat him at a staring contest.

2. This afternoon I beasted out some behavioral endocrinology. *\o/*

3. Two hours later, I benched 96 lbs. 16 to go!

Chewed up

2009-10-04T03:16:47Z

Bad races are inevitable. Especially when you race as often as I do.

I haven't had a bad race since the Valentine's Day indoor 5k - arguably longer, because I ran well given the circumstances (crowded track, couldn't hear my lap counters, wasting time trying to pass two stupid girls from a rival school).

Today was bad.

It started last night, when I got to bed at 12 (half an hour later than planned) and woken up by a 1.5 hour phone call at 1:30. It got worse at 7:30, when I woke up ravenously hungry. I ate a fruit snack... and was not hungry at all when I got up for real at 8:30. I forced down a quarter of a bagel and cream cheese at 8:30, taking another half of a bagel with me, which I ate at 10. It clearly was not enough calories.

I've had a long week of training, all of which I executed very well. On Tuesday, we did 6 x 1000m on the grass loop with 3 minutes jogging recovery. My goal was 4:07, and I ran 4:11, 4:05, 4:07, 4:07, 4:07, 4:07. The splits on the last four varied from 4:06.58 (the sixth) to 4:07.05 (the fourth). I was perfect. On Thursday, I did another hour tempo run with a kind of wide open goal of 7:15-7:30. I ran with my assistant coach, who kept me on a honest pace of ~7:18 out and ~7:12 back (7:13.7 pace average). It was probably a hair faster than I'd have run on my own, and I was sore on Friday.

On Friday, Dan sent me a text asking me to meet with him about the race. He asked me to run with my teammate T for the first two miles, and made some weird comments about T and I's "rivalry." He told me that T and I are essentially the same, in that we both want the team to do well, and we both want to be the first individual finisher. He's wrong there (I don't want to be first, in fact, I think I'm undeserving. I do, however, want to be the fastest version of myself possible, and if that is the first person on the team this year, then I'll deal with it), and I'm going to have to explain that to him at our individual meeting this upcoming week. ANYWAY. So he told me to run with T for the first two miles, hitting the first in 6:45 and maintaining momentum throughout the challenging second mile. And I told him okay. I would GLADLY run my races with T. I don't have any kind of complex, except for my blatant refusal to screw up and go out too fast, which is what T did at our last race. It's hard to run with someone the first mile when she beats you there by 10 seconds (and then melts down and finishes a minute behind you).

So before the race, T and I did our usual awkward exchange of race tactics. I told her to trust me that I'd take us through the mile in 6:45 based on feel. And the first mile of the race was great. We hit it at exactly 6:45 (but T dropped off my pace then. There was no second mile of teamwork. She was just gone). I'm awesome. I'm a pace monster. Shortly after the mile, the course takes you up a monster hill. Apparently, girls were giving up and walking up the hill. I passed a few girls going up, but my legs totally seized up. I was hurting. When the downhill finally arrived, I focused on taking quick, small steps, and I managed to pass a few more girls. And then I had my meltdown.

I'm used to feeling good in my races. We are running on a lot of easy courses this year, and I missed our most challenging race to date for the wedding in Boston. And since I'm not used to struggling, I checked out. Mental vacation. I gave up on myself and went into survival mode. I wasn't getting passed, but I was stuck in the same place - which does not happen to me when I race. I get out conservatively enough before turning on the heat that I should ALWAYS be passing people.

After a half mile of this mental pity party, I snapped out of it. I realized I had about 15-20 seconds on T and L, and that L was having a great day if she had caught T. I told myself that if I was to be this team's front runner, I had better get my act together and start running well. I forced myself to relax my form, to focus, and to try to stay with the pack I was with. I never caught them, but as we came out of the woods, I started to participate more actively in my race. Dan yelled at me at that point, "You're special." I have no idea what that means exactly, but I took it to mean that I've been having an exceptional season and that I can do something special this year. <3 So I ran hard up the gradual uphill, maintained on the plateau, and checked my watch. 18:30. I knew I had another 3 minutes of suffering left... so I started rigging. Down the baseball fields, around the corner - now where was the finish line? A lot farther away than I'd have liked. I passed a girl in a blue and yellow singlet, but she passed me back. Whatever. I kept kicking, hitting the line in 21:58.

The course is long and slow, and the conditions were less than ideal. Dan said that we'd probably run 2 minutes slower than the time trial... and I ran 2:03. I finished 24 seconds out of 10th place (13th officially), which would have won me a trophy. Makes me wonder what would have happened if I hadn't checked out... I only had to pass the three girls in the back I was in...

But it's useless to think about these kinds of things.

I think I've been overdue for a bad race. The fact that I ran poorly and still finished first for the team says a lot about my current fitness. And the fact that I pulled my head out of my ass shows that I have some wisdom. Not every race is going to be easy. I'm going to have to dig deep. I'm going to have to find a way to get the job done. So in a way, I owe a little bit of gratitude to this race, for chewing me up and spitting me out.

Holy shit

2009-09-17T23:51:43Z

Today's workout falls into the category of things I seriously freaking love to do, the kind of work that makes me feel productive and fast and focused and strong. I'm my happiest between lactate threshold and tempo pace. Long repeats, little rest, and a huge mental game. Today we did two by tempo trail, the first trail being "faster than you usually run, should feel crisp" and the second being a true tempo. I love it- getting into a faster but controlled rhythm and then dropping the hammer on tired legs.

Last year, my trail PR was 16:01. I run it in the 16:10-16:15 range pretty regularly, and that's the kind of shape I thought I was in right now. Yeah... that didn't happen. I took off solo, with Dan calling after me to keep it in my pants ("it's staying in my pants!" was my reply), but our new assistant coach Bess caught up to me and we chatted for the first loop. I knew we were running fast but I was a little surprised to see 17:15 (7:40 pace) on my watch. And I was completely floored to see 15:38 (6:55 pace) when we finished the second. I knew I was running fast, but I didn't feel like I was running tempo pace. I thought I was a hair slow. Maybe I was a hair fast and feeling the fatigue... I dunno, but Bess and I were rolling, and it truly didn't feel that hard. We were still carrying on a bit of a conversation...

Dan called me after dinner to talk about it a little. He said that I ran a great 3k on Saturday morning and that my workout on Tuesday (5x 3 min on, 3 min off, on an uphill loop with three hairpin turns - to simulate this weekend's course) were very similar. He described the way I ran as with a kind of "urgency." I'm not sure that's the word I would use to describe it. I'm going to think on it. I know that the way I ran both of those days felt very similar, and I think I can lump today in with that one... but urgency isn't a word I like to use to describe my running. I feel like it's describing the fact that my time in this uniform is running out - and while this is true, I haven't drawn on that for motivation. It makes me feel bad, and it feels like a cop out... I'll pass on that.

List Making

2009-09-15T04:17:36Z

Lists are good, and I make lists very well.

TO DO:
~~-read for Food Revolutions~~
~~-print next week's reading for Food Revolutions~~
-Rite Aid trip
-cash check!
~~-pay parking ticket with cash from check~~
~~-buy stamp~~
-leave Sweda's birthday card
-go to the ATM
NOT TO DO:
-have an anxiety attack
TO DO INSTEAD:
-talk to Ciara or Anna. you have friends who are peer mentors, let them mentor you.

THINGS TO PACK:
FOR RUNNING AND RACING:
~~-shorts, sports bras, shirts, socks, towel~~
~~-Wave Riders~~
~~-road racing flats? Decide if you want to run in these!~~
~~-FOAM ROLLER~~
-dri fit. you might get cold
-fast socks

FOR LOOKING PRETTY:
~~-the dress~~
~~-bra, underwear, hose~~
~~-the shoes~~
~~-the bag~~
~~-all of your toiletries. all. you never know what kind of an emergency you might find yourself in~~
-band-aids ARE a toiletry, pack them
-hair dryer
-hair straightener
~~-jewels~~
-clear nail polish
-make up

FOR NORMAL DAYS:
-another nice outfit
-normal clothes (nice looking)
-pjs

MISC:
-phone charger
-camera
-snacks
-Mark's neglected stuff

hbfs @ 2009-09-12T20:20:00

2009-09-13T00:38:54Z

The last two weeks of training have been great. I'm speaking a little early on this week's behalf, but tomorrow's long run could push me up as high as 45 miles (I ran 42 last week). I was very happy with my performance at the time trial, I had a solid 1000s workout last Saturday, I did some strong hill work on Tuesday, I did an hour of tempo on Thursday, and this morning I won the handicapped 3k time trial my team ran. Not only did I cross the finish line first, I ran the fastest overall time, too. Most notably, I was 59 seconds faster than last year. Today's soggy grass 12:14 is only 36 seconds off of my track PR.

The related adjustment period has made its presence known, too. I'm starting to show signs of wear: my feet are grotesque, ALL of my leg muscles are sore, and my laundry is piling up faster than I can possibly do it.

I'm ahead of last year on all fronts: strength, mileage, discipline, mental focus. It's not something I take for granted. Dan and I have begun to talk about the rest of the year. Since I want to run my 10k in May in 40, we've already figured out that this means my pace for my hour tempo in the spring will have to be 7:02. Right now, it's about 7:26. If I can run a 24:xx 6k on the grass, then I'll already be up to goal 10k pace for a 6k race, and it'll only be mid-November...

The epic preseason (and beyond) post

2009-09-06T03:59:37Z

There's going to be a lot here, so I apologize in advance. But there are pictures!

Preseason kicked off on Tuesday the 18th. It was really hot on move in day, and we got off to a rocky start with me throwing up in the hotel bathroom (probably from dehydration from driving out by myself on Monday). I knew right off the bat that we had a really solid group - 7 freshmen, a new junior, and one of my classmates had returned from a year abroad. We returned 5 of last year's top 7, too :)

We got to work right away - lots of lifting, lots of time in the pool, and a fair bit of running, too :P Workouts that stand out in my memory include a 10 mile long run in the mid-8:30s, 60 second pick-ups at the state park, and a good tempo run on the roads. Team-related, we added a third captain as M won by a landslide in popular vote (not surprising - A and I knew that she was going to be named the third captain in June when Dan wrote to us and told us that we would probably vote on a third).

We also spend a lot of time icing.

On Tuesday, I went and saw my podiatrist again. We don't want to interrupt my training by mailing my orthotics back to the lab, so we're going to wait until the season ends in November. Until then, he patched my right orthotic up with two thick pieces of felt, effectively tilting my device out another 2 degrees. I asked about my stress fracture scares in the other shoe, and he said that the orthotic didn't need adjusting... and that I should switch back to Mizunos (I had walked in wearing November's Wave Inspires). He goes, "Normally, I would NEVER make a shoe recommendation. It's not my place, it's not my area of expertise. But structurally, your feet are JUST LIKE mine. You might want to try the Wave Rider." Afterwards, I told that story to Dan, and he goes, "That's funny. I've seen Ira's feet, and they ARE just like yours."

A few hours later, we had our time trial. I ran 20:59 for three miles, which is almost 20 seconds faster than my best opener - after the summer I ran 550 miles. Apparently, strength training 3x/wk and busting your ass cross-training (with a great fitness base from 10k training in the spring) is better than overtraining.... The best part about the time trial was how INTELLIGENTLY I ran the race. As planned, I was running with a pack for the first mile (K, our fast freshman, and T, the senior who is back from abroad), and (also as planned) I was doing the pace work. And I nailed it. 1:44 through 440 yds, 3:30 through 880, and 6:54 at one mile. I held on for a 7:05 second mile and a 7:00 close, allowing me to narrowly squeak in. I made great tactical decisions about when to move up. I looked ahead at other packs and judged the distance between us perfectly. The move I called by the track was awesome. I told K to "go get with the girls in gray" - the pack in FRONT of the pack in front of us. I knew that when we got to the mile, we'd be moving right through them, and it would give us a strong start to the second mile. I called it just right! I was also really happy that I passed two girls who run for the host school the third time we went up the hill. I was like, "Yeah, that's right! Here I am, passing you on the uphill on your home course!" Really, I was just THRILLED with the whole day.

Today we did repeat thousands on the polo fields. Last year, I did this 5 @ 4:35 (actual: 4:38, 4:34, 4:33, 4:34, 4:32) with 0:45 rest. This year, I did 6 @ 4:30 (actual: 4:29, 4:29, 4:32, 4:29, 4:27, 4:28) on the same rest interval. Times were more conservative across the board this year. When I questioned Dan, he said, "It's morning. It'll be tough today." And it was. Physically, I was feeling the repercussions of the hilly route I chose for my run yesterday. But I had no problem finding the right gear for the repeats, and although it was hot, I was able to keep drinking and have a really solid run. And my favorite assistant came today :)

This afternoon was also full of running-related goodness. I called the shoe store and asked if the owner was in. My adidas aren't done yet, but ever since my appointment with Ira, I had been thinking about switching back to Mizuno and inquiring about the Wave Rider. I now insist on being fit for shoes by the owner of the local running store, because he is awesome and knows his shit, and his sales associates do NOT. Bob, the owner, remembered me from November and asked if I was still having injury problems. I told him that I had wound up getting custom orthotics and that I'd like to get back into Mizunos, and he said he wanted to get me into a more neutral shoe so I wouldn't be overcorrecting. I mentioned the Wave Rider, and he was like, "YES, EXACTLY," and he goes back and brings out five boxes of shoes. He hands me the Wave Riders, and it was love at first sight.

Seriously. I want to marry these. BOTH OF THESE!

I got these shorts for 50% off! They are the Saucony women's performance short, and they come in XS, and they are SUPER comfy. And they were $14! SO MUCH LOVE. I'm going to run in my new shorts and my new shoes for 10-12 miles tomorrow!

And after that, three of the freshmen, my hallmate Leah, and I went down to watch my coach's former team's alumnae race, which he was purportedly participating in. We had a pool predicting his finishing time, which I won (guessed: 20:10, actual: 20:20). We also did this...

GO DAN!

He seemed pretty embarrassed but later admitted that he was considering dropping out of the race... our cheering kept him in it :)

And that brings us up to speed. I'm really excited for my season and about my team. I can't wait to see what the next two months bring.

Great tempo run today :)

2009-08-13T02:40:31Z

Last summer, when I was coming back from my stress fracture, I had a breakthrough tempo run that gave me a huge confidence boost for the upcoming season. Today, I had another one of those.

I went out to the track, so the course I was running on would be honest and comparable to the past. I had great weather (59% humidity, compared to the 98% humidity I ran in on Saturday, the last time I tried to go kind of fast!) and my stomach was really well settled. I was feeling kind of sore from doing the CrossFit WOD "Tabata Something Else" yesterday, but I biked this morning and figured I would loosen up quickly enough. I warmed up half a mile and lined up at the fence, as I did hundreds of times in high school and a couple dozen of times since then.

This year's breakthrough tempo was different from last year's in a few regards. Last year, I had company, but today, I was solo. Last year was hotter, while today was a lot more pleasant. Last year, I didn't see three police cars at a residence on the way back... that was a little distracting. Last year, I ran a slight positive split (7:24, 7:29, 7:30). This year, I ran a solid negative split (7:20, 7:19, 7:02). Last year's run... I remember the second half really vividly. While I was definitely running tempo effort, I was relying on my strength a LOT to get me home. Tonight, I just felt under control. I knew that the second mile was going to be 7:20. When I got to the turn around and checked my watch (3:40), it was exactly what I expected to see. I knew the third mile was going to be my fastest, but I didn't know by how much. I just knew that I was keeping my form, my cadence was up, and that I was strong and solid.

I'm beyond thrilled. 42 seconds faster than last year! This is REALLY ENCOURAGING! Some of this is because I'm stronger. Some of this is because I'm smarter. But I think that some of this has to be the result of the 10k training I did this spring... I only ran 21:47 in the first time trial last year, so I should be (weather favoring) ahead of that marker.

Sometimes, I wish I could bottle up runs like this so I can savor them again later. It's why I journal my good workouts - so that when the going gets tough (Denton called it "breaking down"), when my coach makes me man up and get on the regular 6-day running schedule and I'm just feeling cooked, I can go back to these memorable runs and piece my broken psyche back together.

In other running and team-related... preseason starts on Tuesday! I've done a lot of captaining the last two days, which I will continue to do until.... the season ends in November. People are getting excited, and I'm getting excited about some of the stuff I'm talking about with my co-captain and coach. Yay cross-country!

To Do

2009-08-09T05:30:27Z

Social Obligations:
-bake Sarah an early birthday cake
-visit Allison in Ann Arbor
~~-visit Lauren in Columbus~~

Car Related:
-clean it
~~-get tires rotated~~
-get oiled changed
-learn to use Garmin

Packing Related:
-obtain 1-2 of those 20 gallon plastic boxes
-fill boxes with all of my worldly possessions
~~-make a decision re: the plastic dresser in the closet~~

Things To Buy:
-Dunham's: new Camelbak water bottle (mine got lost. This will be my third Camelbak), running socks, any bargains (note to self: do not buy another one piece swimsuit just because it's $20. You have FOUR!)
-nail clippers, ~~compact mirror~~, ~~eyeliner pencil sharpener, laundry detergent~~, fabric softener, ibuprofen, Nyquil, Dayquil
-~~valiant attempt to try to find jeans~~ (surrendered!)
-possibly (long-term investment) blender

Tickets to the gun show?

2009-08-02T01:16:16Z

3/21/2009

8/1/2009

I make the WORST faces when I'm flexing for the webcam. I dunno why! I can take pretty face pictures (I swear!) and I can take show-off biceps pictures, but they seem to be mutually exclusive....

Quotable

2009-07-25T20:07:55Z

"Take away ego, and you take away Michael Jordan’s sneer and Martina Navratilova's scowl and Dana Torres’s glint. They all went away and came back, for whatever their reasons, beating a lot of younger competitors, just out of orneriness."
--George Vecsey, "Chugging Along, Ego in Tow," regarding Lance Armstrong's third place finish in the 2009 Tour de France (www.nytimes.com/2009/07/26/sports/cycling/26vecsey.html)

Various

2009-07-11T15:28:19Z

Yesterday, I did that CrossFit workout where you keep a running time and do one pull-up the first minute, two the second, three the third, and so forth until you can't do it anymore. I did ten the tenth minute (sets of 2-2-2-2-1-1, a marked decline from my 3-3-3 ninth minute) and only finished with 3 seconds there, so I didn't attempt the eleventh minute. I should have. I'm kind of a pansy that way. But the 55 pull-ups I did were hard and I'm still totally baller :) Needless to say, my WHOLE BODY hurts (arms, shoulders, back, abs, chest, and legs. Legs? Yeah, legs. I did 200 squats on Friday, as I found myself doing a CrossFit WOD as prescribed on its intended day). Ow :(

I've been trying to be a better cycling fan. I always thought I'd appreciate the Tour de France more if I was more knowledgeable about the sport, but I'm not so sure. Having a track background certainly allows me to appreciate a tactical finish, as in today's stage. I related perfectly to the commentator's statements as to how the four breakaway riders had to be comfortable riding from any position within their pack - leading or sitting in last - and to anticipate for attempts to breakaway from the breakaway (or to use a track term I'm much more comfortable with, surging). It reminded me a lot of a tactical finish to a longer track race, like a 10,000. Cool stuff :)

It was fun, fun, fun... oh, it was fun

2009-07-08T03:47:50Z

I got into my HS livejournal today. I had wanted to see what I had written about the dissolution of a toxic friendship. Apparently, nothing - I was too busy justifying to the whole world that I didn't treat my boyfriend badly. Which was totally a lie because I hated dating him! I also discovered how miserable the first six months of my 17th year were, more than one hilariously bad prediction... and that in a couple of ways, I fulfilled Little Jess's hopes. At one point, I said that I want to memorize the Eleanor Roosevelt quote on my binder from running camp. Rest assured, Little Jess, I did:

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through that horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the things you think you cannot do."

Back in action!

2009-07-01T17:42:32Z

Ugh. Okay. Apologies for the lack of LJ cut. It is NOT cooperating with me. Ugly things keep happening in HTML mode :(

Monday, I launched my official return to running. After battling an array of maladies over the last six weeks, strengthening exercises and a clever orthotics adjustment have set the stage for a triumphant return to training. To symbolize this brand new start, I drove out to the place where I ran my very first miles as a shy sixth grader who had reached the ceiling of her potential in gymnastics.

The dirt track at the old MHS. For the four years of my career, my cross-country practices began and ended here. After the new HS opened, I never had reason to go back be had eight lanes of bright red all-weather surface at our disposal. Sometimes, though, I'd make the journey on my own. During the summer, when I had postponed my run too long and was forced to start at dusk, I would drive into town and park at the old HS, putting in my miles on that familiar, dusty old oval.

Today, it was high noon and the sun was beating down for my quick two mile run. Runs on this track always begin at the center of the curve, aligned with with the center of the goal post. I drew today's start/finish line in the sand with my shoe, positioned myself a few feet behind it, and cautiously took my first return-to-running running steps. When I crossed my unofficial line, I started my watch. Eight laps later, I stopped my watch and promptly died. I had been pushing the pace (exactly halfway between my easy effort and my tempo effort, per May's fitness) and finished my last lap at 10k race pace. Phew!

Anatomy of a joyful return to running:
[1] Shoes. Obviously.
[2] My awesome adidas running hat! Need it for those sunny days and my preferred sports bra. This one is my favorite because it is very, very yellow. It's from the Target C9 line from last summer.
[3] Brand new running shorts purchased 66% off at Old Navy! I got them for $5. They have built-in undies and an inside pocket! Also, I like that the cut is rather tiny. At 5'2, I find that a lot of nicer running shorts are either too long and sag in the crotch or have 4" inseams that engulf my quads.

With my first run complete, I drove to the rec center for some cross-training and lifting. It's great to be running again, but I still need to supplement to maintain my fitness. So I biked for an hour, reading about Joe Mauer, Mark Martin, USA soccer, and mankind's inability to control the weather in Sports Illustrated... lifted... and did core.

Pictures came off of my cellphone, so the quality is what it is, folks :)

Jess eats and Jess runs and Jess likes the way she looks.

2009-06-29T04:20:27Z

Sometimes Jess talks about these things at great length.

I eat steak, and I eat ice cream, and I eat a ton of bread, and I eat peanut butter, and I eat cereal (often with my peanut butter, because I enjoy how the thickness of the peanut butter contrasts with the smooth coldness of the milk), and I eat spinach (but I can't stand it cooked- it's slimy), and I eat pears, and I eat tofu, and I eat cheeseburgers (cooked medium-rare with American cheese, ketchup, mustard, a thick slice of onion, and pickles - but please hold the tomato). I do not eat mushrooms, olives, raw tomato, school-cooked fish, and I do not eat soy that is trying to be meat. I'm a little wary of eggs. I could write a five paragraph essay about pizza, extolling the virtues of Detroit-style. I worked at a restaurant known for using the best tasting products in order to create their revered American cuisine. I can talk to you about the difference between Memphis, Eastern Carolina, and South Carolina pulled pork (the sauce: Memphis is made with molasses and ketchup, Eastern Carolina with vinegar, and South Carolina with mustard), artisan cheeses from Vermont, and East Coast vs. West Coast oysters. I’m interested in food and where it comes from, but in a way that I think is very natural- I’m interested in regional variations and food tradition and history. Sometimes, I look at my plate and ask myself, "Jess, where are your vegetables?" (and then I do nothing about it). Sometimes, I crave a huge bed of Romaine lettuce (accompanied with croutons, black pepper, Caesar dressing, bacon, and outstanding grated parmesan).

I’m incredibly concerned with how value is added to foods. There are “good” foods and “bad” foods. Excluding ethical food values (vegetarianism, buying locally grown produce, buying organic, genetically modified foods are just a few of the topics that spring to mind; these are personal lifestyle decisions, there is no “right“ or “wrong” choices to make here), I don’t think foods should be evaluated for moral worth based on whether they are “good” for you or “bad” for you. Food is nutrition. You need carbohydrates, protein, fats and oils, and vitamins and minerals to sustain health. Period. Steak has a place in my diet. Brownies have a place in my diet. Fresh fruits and vegetables have a place in my diet. Salad dressing has a place in my diet. High fructose corn syrup has a place in my diet. A calorie is a calorie, no matter the source. At the end of the day, it is all calories in vs. calories out. If you burn more than you take in, you lose weight. If you take in more than you burn, you gain it. No weight loss diet is inherently better than another. Pick one that you’re most likely to follow, and you’ll do well. If you want to lose weight and your diet emphasizes foods you loathe eating, you’re going to fail. If your diet emphasizes an eating schedule that you have a difficult time adhering to, then your diet is going to fail. Make sure that your activity level matches your intake, and you’ll be fine. Eat some whole grains, eat some healthy fats, eat some protein. Food is awesome.

I run. I run because it was the sport I picked up and fell in love with when I was eleven. Running appeals to me because it is so many different things to me. It is covering ground quickly and bettering myself, bettering previous personal bests in both distance and time. Running is fair: what you put into it is what you get out of it. Running is quiet and meditative. Running has taught me to enjoy my solitude, but running is not a solitary pursuit. Cross-country and track and field are team sports, and I love my teams. I love all of my fellow runners, because they get it. Running is a celebration of the body and how much it can do. Running is a celebration of the will and how much it can do. Running is about how many different colors I can buy sports bras in. Running is about the quest to find the perfect shoe, the perfect shorts, and the perfect wicking socks. Running is about the joy I experience when I step into the shoe store and breathe in the scent of polyurethane unadulterated by foot stink. Running is about the unbelievable sadness you feel when your watch dies. Running makes me care about the weather. Running makes me sweaty, and I love being sweaty! Running makes me take care of myself - drink water, sleep in excess, pretend to give a shit about my nutrition (because after all, running is fair). Running is long term. Running is visionary. Every day, running is a joy. Every day, running is a challenge.

I was not blessed with efficient biomechanics or a naturally smooth stride. Through time and tears, a lot of this has been corrected. It wouldn't be as rewarding if I never had to struggle.

I'm no longer sure if I'm built like a runner or not. I don't think there is any right way for a runner to be built. Fast looks like a lot of different things. Fast means different things to different people.

When I can't run, I cross-train. A lot. And I weight train, because being strong is awesome. Strength training has given me guns. I think my arm muscles are incredibly sexy. I like how they ripple when I brush my teeth. I like to surprise people with my strength. As much as I want to run fast, I also want to be really strong. I think it'd be pretty bitching to be able to bench press my weight.

I don't give a fuck what I weigh (though I monitor it, because I'm concerned about trends. If I'm losing weight over the season, then I need to eat more cake. It is easy to get run down if you're losing weight over a season. I tend to put on a little during the season and lose a little during the off season). I don't care about what size I wear. I can wear the exact same clothes I wore in high school, although I weigh a good 7-8 lbs more than I did when I was a senior in high school. That just goes to show you how it’s useless to determine your whole value by a number.

I think I look hot. I look hot exactly as I look right now. I look hot in my little black dress. I look hot in all my dresses. I look hot naked, too. I’d look hot if I lost five pounds. I’d look hot if I gained five pounds. I’d look hot 300 weeks pregnant with ankles swollen the size of cantaloupes. I think I’d look sickly if I lost weight, and I wouldn’t find myself attractive if I gained a lot of weight. The female bodies I prefer to look at are healthy, capable bodies that can run up hills while carrying heavy boxes. They are muscular and strong. They have tummies. I don't really care what anyone thinks of the way I look. I know that if I walk into a room full of 100 people who dig chicks, not everyone will want to bang me. That's okay by me. I know that if I was in a room with 100 men, I wouldn't want to bang them all. You can't please everyone, and people have types. I know that the men who are interested in me are not dissatisfied with my body because I believe that people have types. I expect that guys who are trying to get me naked are going to like what they see, and if they don’t, well, it‘s too bad that they‘re “settling” for me. I know that if I walk into a room full of 100 women, many of them wouldn't want to look like me. And I'm completely okay with that, too, because I think that the way they want their bodies to look is unattainable (without the aid of a stylist, a trainer, a terrific photographer, and a graphic designer to do the airbrushing).

There is so much pressure placed on women to look a certain way. I'm not interested in throwing around blame. I think almost every institution is guilty of placing unrealistic expectations on how women’s bodies should look. How thin should a woman be? How tall? How blonde? How perky should her boobs be? Should she dress sexy? Should she dress modestly? Should she shave her legs? Shouldn't she? Should she wear make up? How much? How should she style her hair? And every message is mixed. I read an article that said that overweight women enjoy sex more. I read an article that said that thin women have better relationships. I see so much stuff that I have no idea who's right and who's wrong anymore.

What I do know is that most of the women I know are intensely dissatisfied with their bodies, and I know that it's a behavior that we've been taught. It's mothers and fathers, it's teachers, it's coaches, it's their peers, their boyfriends and girlfriends. It's the media, it's the medical community, and it's the scientific community. Everyone's culpable.

The other night, I was talking to Mark, and the whole food-positive, exercise-positive, body-positive thing came up, as it often does. Between my observations about my teammates, our observations about the male and female bodies we find attractive, the place for weight discussion in coaching, his dating history, and how much I talk about being ___-positive, you'd think we were running out of new places to go with this conversation. But he surprised me. He asked me, "Is all of this real? Are you really this normal about food? I can't believe that I don't have to watch what I say or worry that you're going to go... throw up or something." While I know that he knows that all of this is real, it does make me incredibly sad that my attitude is refreshing, you know?

All of this thought leads me to one place, which is scratching my head and asking myself what I can do - ESPECIALLY in my capacity as a visible leader for a team of twenty women - to spread body positivity. The things I can do are limited in scope, but if my twenty teammates go out and talk to their friends, and their friends talk to their other friends, then maybe things can change a little bit. By stepping back and critically examining the example I set, I have the opportunity to learn and evolve. By sitting down over two days and thinking about my general body image theories and writing a lot of it down, I’ve been able to gain a lot of insight about myself. It’s something that’s always going to be evolving, which is totally okay. It’s not exactly easy to have a healthy, well-adjusted, confident body image, given how every institution and every market capitalizes on our insecurities. Some days, it’s a struggle. But right now, I’m kicking its ass.

So… that’s it. That’s what I’ve got. Over two pages in word, single spaced, Times New Roman size 10. TL;DR: I like the way I look. I wish more people felt that way about their bodies.

Third time's the charm?

2009-06-24T03:39:47Z

I have a teammate, T.
I was a freshman with T. We're from the same state, and honestly, I think she's a sweetheart. But she has an incredible number of issues.

Freshman year, T had the most visible eating disorder on the team. And that was the year of the eating disorders. She ate raw fruits and vegetables, soy milk, and tea. Before coming to school, she had never visited. She went to a boarding school, and she figured she could be happy anywhere (and we had given her the best aid). She was miserable. She quit in the middle of indoor track.

She rejoined sophomore year. We had thought she was going to transfer, but she opted not to because her major wasn't offered at the other school. She still didn't eat. She also was overcommitted and kept terrible hours. When you don't eat AND don't sleep, you break down really fast. She wasn't as fast sophomore year. In fact, I beat her at every race we ran, except for the one where I had food poisoning and barfed, literally, at the starting line. Incidentally, she quit after that meet. Coach didn't tell the team that she had quit until after a week had passed.
I felt really betrayed by that. I did a lot of training with T, and she disappeared, and she let me down. I communicated that with my coach at the time, but all he said was, "Maybe I should ask her to make a statement to the team."

She spent all of junior year abroad. From the sound of things, she enjoyed her time studying away. From the look of things, the issues did not resolve.

I think she is an INCREDIBLY sweet girl, but I haven't been able to shake how I felt let down by her (twice). And I really, really don't have the mental or emotional energy left to deal with her food issues again. It is SUCH a terrible situation. And it's like as young women, we're programmed to compare our dinner plates' to our peers and place value on who is eating less food than us! And being PC and liberal and whatnot, NOBODY stopped and said, "Wait, this behavior is abnormal and it concerns me." No one had ever acknowledged T's problems to me until THIS SPRING. THIS SPRING, we were sitting at dinner - one of my former co-captains (K1), my new co-captain (A), and two of our newer runners, freshman A and sophomore L. And K1 acknowledged to me that there WAS in fact something profoundly wrong with the way that T ate. I told K1, "Someone just told me she had severe dietary restrictions, and I never even questioned it."
For this reason, body dissatisfaction and food issues are SO contagious on women's teams. T's eating disorder spurned on one of my other teammate's (I think because K2 viewed it as competition) - but because my other teammate's eating disorder was more established, T's slipped by the wayside, despite being 100% more visible than K2's. At least Katie MADE a plate and pushed it around with her fork, even if all she did it was cooked cabbage, maybe the steamed vegetables. T infected some of my perfectly healthy teammates. One of the other girls in my class, M, is naturally very thin. She ate french fries, drank regular soda, and never ate salads. And I'm not just blaming T here, I also blame a few of M's other friends from her floor, but through those influences, M lost some of that. She eats salads with balsamic vinegar, and she hasn't had a "regular" soda since preseason of our freshman year. I don't think it was out of jealousy or a desire to emulate her peers - I think she felt badly about being effortlessly thin.

This is just awful. I feel like I'm reacting emotionally and not logically. Logically, T would be a good addition to the team. T is fast and will almost certainly score points for us. T is sweet - though we actually started off on some rocky notes, we get along fine now. But I can't help but feel like my personal judgment is preventing me from reacitng to this situation rationally. But on the other hand, I feel like my concerns ARE valid. T starves herself, and she's quit twice. What will make this time different?

I feel like as a captain, it's my job to PROTECT my team. We have eight freshmen right now. They're babies! They are just as susceptible to the same old shit that infected the team when I was a freshman and sophomore. I don't want them to feel betrayed by a teammate. I don't want them to compare their dinner to T's and cast off their dessert in favor of lettuce, grapes, balsamic vinegar, and green tea. Last year was a building year. The foundation is in place. Now we want to GO somewhere with it. I don't want us to go taking steps backward this year. I was MISERABLE freshman and sophomore years on the cross-country team.

I voiced my concern to my coach, and I'm sure we're about to be in a fight over it. I emailed T and directed her to the team's summer website. I emailed A to tell her to expect me and Coach to be in a fight.

God. I don't have the energy for this.

hbfs @ 2009-05-27T01:27:00

2009-05-27T05:53:46Z

I hate being home and I hate being injured.
If I had realized I was going to be injured, unemployed, and lonely, I'd have found a job in Philly.

Drunken LJ is the best LJ

2009-05-16T05:37:08Z

Because you should celebrate a season well done and a year well done by drinking alone in your room! At least, if the girl you were going to celebrate with is passed the heck out in her room because she hasn't slept in, like, three days.

So! A lot of stuff has gone down.

I ran a 43:01 at conferences in the 10k in more or less crappy conditions. The only girls who beat me were girls who really deserved it... chicks with PRs way better than mine :) And I ran well. I lapped girls earlier in this race. It was a good time.

I ran a 3k PR (by 4 seconds!) the week before conferences. It was a lonely race... ran straight from the back and moved up on DI girls the whole time. It was kind of fun to race, though. I don't get to run that distance outdoors very often. I really like it.

I ran a 1500m PR by 3 seconds. Pretty sweet for a girl who hasn't done any workout at a pace faster than 3k race pace since February.

I tried to pace L. to qualify in the 800 and failed....twice. It took a 62-second 400m runner to get the job done. No wonder I couldn't do it :P

I ran a 5k PR by 5 seconds (down to 20:25). Someday I'm going to get my sub-20. It was a hot day, I was off pace from the gun, but I ran well tactically and it paid off in a sweet 5 second PR. I'm in much better shape, but my 5ks never reflect it.

I'm excited to captain again this year with the wonderful A., who I don't think KNOWS she's a captain yet... but Coach slipped up to me :D Our freshman class should be fast...

This summer, I just want to run a lot and stay healthy. I think if I back off on intensity a bit compared to previous summers and emphasize distance more, it'll be great. It appears that my easy pace is now about 8:10... I do my long runs at that pace... so my fitness is great. I just need miles and my health!

Another thing that I could LJ about... but won't... is the complete upheaval of my life and how I can't hardly believe what has come of me since, like, March and the whole 10k adventure. COMPLETE UPHEAVAL, GUYS.

hbfs @ 2009-05-07T23:58:00

2009-05-08T04:09:33Z

*\o/*

Somebody's 2000m row case study is finished*!
*provided somebody's professor doesn't email her back and say, "No, you cannot reinterpret this question, write something else."

I've been off running since my 2:39.8 4x800m split on Saturday. I ran a 43:01 10k on Friday... so close, but so far. I'll probably write about the race at some point, but right now I'm a little far removed from it. It was hot, the pace was really uneven, and it was weird. I ran well- better than most. The only girls who beat me are girls who are legitimately a lot faster than me, and I ran really close to girls who have run a minute faster than me for 5k. So I was pleased :)

I think I'm going to run on Saturday. It compromises my wishes and my coaches, and I like compromise. I really wanted to run today. This afternoon was so perfect: the humidity was gone, the temperature was perfect, the ground was squishy with wet debris from the storms.

Life is good :)

Sundries

2009-04-28T19:59:31Z

Recap of recent runnings:
-5x800 at quasi-3k race pace (3:12 - I ran 3:10, 3:11, 3:10, 3:09) last Tuesday in the rain
-3k race in 11:38, a four second PR on Friday
-6 in ~47:40 on Saturday
-9.3 in 1:16 on Sunday (8:10 average- seems to be my tendency to throw down 8:10s on the long run when I'm not running with slower company)
-5x1000 in the heat yesterday. Originally the plan was to run very easy - 4:45 (7:38 pace!) but by 5pm the heat wasn't so bad. The goal was then adjusted to be anywhere between 4:45 and 4:18. I ran 4:36, 4:24, 4:20, 4:19, and 4:12. I couldn't help it.

And this is all since my off day last Sunday, so no wonder my legs have caught up to me and I feel like balls now.

Also, dear future self: lactose and heat exhaustion is something to majorly be avoided.